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"So have you ever felt this feeling? I’m not quite sure what it's called. where you think you don't quite fit in. you're not "with the program." the black sheep, the ugly duckling, the one in the back of the math class going... hurrr when everyone else seems to be mastering how to antidiferentiate from dy/dxodifjoeijasd to the millionth power of the integral BODSF. Walking down the halls everyone seems to be busy, everyone seems to have some urgency get to somewhere else, another class, with other students, they can't wait to arrive somewhere. They’re traveling to a place far far away, from you. They’re walking urgently in the opposite direction and you watch from a distance. Can you be totally surrounded by 20 friends, let's say, in a hypothetical situation, but feel utterly and completely alone. Without friends. But no, you say, you have friends. Look at everyone around you, talking, socializing, and looking right into your face. You have a conversation with someone and you see their mouth moving, their expressions, their smiles, their frowns. But you block out the whole world. You see everything, but hear nothing. Have you ever felt like you've frozen the picture? You’re outside, looking inside the window of reality. No one’s there to open your door of happiness for you to let you in. inside, you are expressionless. You feel blank sometimes and it scares you. There’s something missing but you can't figure out what. And it gets harder and harder every day. You find it easier to express nothing. It’s more difficult to wake up, more difficult to open your eyes. And some days, you find it harder and harder to put on a smile. The places you use to go and people you use to know, they've changed, situations change, life is changing. The thing I’ve realized now is that time is the one thing you can't beat. No matter how much you try, time wins in the end. But with time, there is no end. So does it really win?
Vulnerability is the one thing you try to run away from. You hate rushing into things, especially afraid to try new things because you fear becoming exposed. The one thing people fear the most is this closeness, this showing someone else a side of you that you don't want them to see. Giving them a chance to affect your life, power in the hands of another, there's a sense of trust yet a fear of heartbreak. You hide things from the world so it can't hurt you." - Louisa Zhou
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